• 9th June
    2013
  • 09

I swear I’m not dead!

I’m alive and kicking still! Just been busy and stressed as hell! Lets see long story short (Okay so short may be a tad long, but I’ll condense it):

  1. Been dealing why a psychiatrist, messing around with my antidepressant meds… this means mood swings, and most of the med’s I’ve tried have made me lose my sex drive (Poor mongoose….)
  2. Moving in with Mongoose… HOLY CRAP! I know it’s a huge move for me, and in all honestly I’m scared as hell… but yeah. I don’t have to be out of of my apartment officially until June 30th, however I’ve been living at Mongooses for the past month or so, slowly packing, but now it’s crunch time. 
  3. I’ll try to be on as much as time permits… Okay not a lot, I’ll try for my usual post capacity prior to the craziness that is my life! 

 

TL;DR?: Shit happens, Life is Crazy! 

  • 24th April
    2013
  • 24
  • 23rd April
    2013
  • 23

Ended up in Urgent care after work today - which isn’t the bad part

I’ve been Dizzy for the past 3 days… The doctor who saw me was a semi ass… Going on about how vertigo is when the room is spinning, and when you’re dizzy/light headed it’s when you feel like you’re unbalanced… Well sorry I thought they were all the same damn thing… SO after him going off on that, he states to me “you’re overweight” WELL NO SHIT SHERLOCK! If I came for that conclusion I would have looked at a mirror… thanks ass hole.. THEN he jumps right into “Well it could be cardiovascular” Lets just jump to the extremes why don’t we? THEN!!!! oh my god… this is great.. THEN I go to get my medication.. here’s what I got: 10 Pills, no refills, directions: Take 1 Pill every 8 hours for 14 days…. 1*8*14 DOES NOT EQUAL 10 UGH

Okay so there’s my rant 

  • 5th February
    2013
  • 05
  • 2nd February
    2013
  • 02
  • 27th January
    2013
  • 27
  • 27th January
    2013
  • 27
  • 23rd January
    2013
  • 23
  • 18th January
    2013
  • 18
  • 12th January
    2013
  • 12
  • 7th January
    2013
  • 07
  • 5th January
    2013
  • 05
  • 26th December
    2012
  • 26

Warning: Depression Post

Okay, so The past 2 days have been hell for me… My depression is hitting hard, It doesn’t help that I’m not on my meds… Don’t go there, long story… Between hating myself, and the bad thoughts that come ever 10 seconds… I’ve worried about it destroying my relationship with mongoose… It seems my depression is what ruins all my relationships… I’ve posted things before about it all… and THIS POST still holds true in many ways. However, those of you still reading, don’t worry, I’d never do anything, I would never put my family through that… it’s just the thoughts are there… and they don’t stop.. 

Scars are fading form my last lapse of this all… I’ve controlled myself to the point where I’m not scratching, at least for now, now to keep the will to not do it. If you don’t have depression* you don’t know what its like to not know how you feel, not know why your heart hurts, your eyes are pouring tears. it’s confusing, its scary when the bad thoughts start coming… There is no possible way to explain depression to someone who doesn’t deal with it chronically, I think that’s why one of my best friends and I are so close, we both deal with it, we know what each other is going through. It’s not something you can fix… It’s something you have to live with… and finding someone to help you through it… is honestly one of the hardest things you can do…  

*I say Don’t have depression, and this is why… I’ve lived with depression since I was in 5th grade, pills daily, it’s not just “Oh this happened and I’m down” it’s not the depression that lasts a few weeks after losing a loved one, it’s the depression that you don’t know whats wrong, you don’t know why you are crying, you don’t know how you are feeling and it’s fucking confusing as hell. You push people away for months, you sleep as much as you can, you fake a smile your whole life.

Good news is: I’m seeing a shrink…. and am going to try my damnest to get an Emotional Support Dog… They are so expensive and Insurance won’t pay of course… Where there’s a will there’s a way… but… feel free to ignore this post, just odds and ends how I’m feeling from here on: 

How I feel most days with my depression…

  • 24th November
    2012
  • 24
Dear depression, 

Go fuck yourself. I’m tired of hating life for no reason. My life is amazing and yet you creep up and mess everything up… I’ve delt with you 10+ years and counting… One day you just need to get the fuck out of my life. You’re one thing I’ll never miss… 

Fuck you, 
Tori

Dear depression,

Go fuck yourself. I’m tired of hating life for no reason. My life is amazing and yet you creep up and mess everything up… I’ve delt with you 10+ years and counting… One day you just need to get the fuck out of my life. You’re one thing I’ll never miss…

Fuck you,
Tori

  • 22nd October
    2012
  • 22

I Keep Thinking I need to write…

But now when I actually sit down and try, I just can’t, I think I know what I want to get out, but, I fail. I’ve been feeling like such a fuck up lately, life, school, social… Just everything. 

I ran out of federal loans, so I’m unable to continue my bachelors degree, at least until I’m 24, so roughly a year and a half. It could be longer depending on my credit… But how am I supposed to feel when no one in my family will co-sign a loan for me? I’ll tell you what: abandoned… The only family who want to see me are my dad and brother… I came to the realization yesterday that the only thing holding me here in Minnesota is my family (Max’s grave included). 

It’s an odd feeling knowing that almost nothing is keeping me here, that I could really go anywhere, the question is, if I’ll use that…  I love my job.. but I know I could be doing more… I love my apartment… but I want a dog… I just feel so ungodly lost right now. 

Then there’s the whole dating thing… I’ve been good… staying away from guys.. until one asks “Are you actually interested in dating me? Like the whole boyfriend and girlfriend thing?” and I freak the fuck out… Not the “Oh my god he likes me,” not the usual “What do I do,” Utter panic… Not because of him, but at the thought of dating, of letting a guy in, letting someone see how fucked up I really am. 

My response to him was “Yes, But I have some of my own stuff I have to work on first.” which is true, I don’t know where to start… the thought of dating, guys in general throws me into a panic I’ve never felt before… okay, so I have, it’s called a panic attack, but why about this? Isn’t this what I’ve wanted? Why am I so fucked up? Can someone tell me that without charging me $50/hr? 

I think the one thing I have going for me is work, I like my job.. I get to go to Grand Rapids, MI and Milwaukee, WI in the coming months for inventory, to learn more. Two places I’ve never been… Exciting right? It’s just for inventory, but it’s still a good thing in my world, means the company finds me valuable enough to teach me these things… 

I feel like there’s so much more I need to put… But I don’t know how to voice it, how to put it into words… So there may be short little blurbs off and on….. 

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